Christmas with the Scientologists

This year, like most years, Mrs. Wit and I spent Christmas Day at the home of some relations who happen to be Scientologists.

Growing up, I did not know much about Scientology, other than it was founded by a pulp-era sci-fi writer named L. Ron Hubbard and it had some side line called “Dianetics.” I never thought much about it until the early Nineties, when the church started pushing Dianetics through infomercials using washed-up celebrities (at the time it was some Whitesnake guitarist whose name I cannot remember) for testimonials. Just the red flags of “infomercial” and “celebrity testimonial” was enough to make me decide it was a scam and not worth paying any attention.

About ten years later I realized I was right about the former and ever so wrong about the latter.

I started dating the future Mrs. Wit and learned she had Scientologist relatives. The fact these relatives were in Scientology was a point of contention for a lot Mrs. Wit’s family members. I had met these relatives a few times and found them to be rather sweet, decent people, and wondered what the problem was. So I decided to investigate.

It wasn’t long before I found myself delving through the archives of Operation Clambake and learning things that troubled and disturbed me. I read “Bare Faced Massiah” and “A Piece of the Blue Sky” and began to wonder how much my future in-laws knew about this organization. I asked around and learned a few things.

For the most part, these relatives keep their involvement in the Church of Scientology rather low-key, as far as the rest of the family is concerned. Many years ago, one of them tried auditing my then-teenage brother-in-law for a mild basketball injury, which resulted in some terse words from my father-in-law. The subject of Scientology has been kept off the map since then, with one exception. A couple of years before I came on the scene, the Scientologists in the family distributed this book-and-CD combo titled “Can We Ever Be Friends?” It’s a direct appeal to the friends and relatives of Scientologists to accept L. Ron Hubbard’s organization as a “real religion” and perhaps even take a course or two. It also spends a good deal of time throwing down attacks against critics of Scientology. It’s pretty slick, from a marketing standpoint… but I was amused that any purported religion required anything like a marketing department to, well, justify itself.

In any case, holidays with the Scientologists tend to be quite normal: there’s a tree, decorations, ham, potatoes, etc. The only thing unusual is their house is completely lacking in books, save for several dozen leather-bound volumes authored by L. Ron Hubbard, prominantly displayed in their front room.

Here’s the thing: my Scientologist in-laws never seemed to behave like stereotypical Scientologists. They weren’t difficult to maintain conversations with. They weren’t anti-education (Scientology teaches you everything you need to know, supposedly, so why bother with college or beyond?), but rather quite for it; one of them wants to grow up to be a school teacher! They seem rather, well, normal, with the exception of once in a while trying to work L. Ron Hubbard into a conversation. I found myself starting to wonder if, well, Scientologists on the whole aren’t an all together bad bunch, they are just in the unfortunate position of belonging to a religious organization with questionable leadership and modus operandi. I mean, heck, you can say the same thing about Roman Catholics, right?

My opinion changed this past Easter. These same relatives hosted the holiday, and they invited some Scientology acquaintances of theirs to join us in the festivities.

Oh, my.

They were the real deal. Vacant stares as you talked to them. Loud questions regarding why many of my other in-laws were even bothering with college or grad school when they should be out there working. Children suffering from a complete lack of discipline (to the point where many of us were fearing for various breakables around the house). And worst of all, a complete inability to talk about anything other than the Church of Scientology and L. Ron Hubbard.

I realized that my in-laws are actually not stereotypical Scientologists. The kind of Scientologists that give them a bad name are certainly out there, however.

The moral of this story?

I just wanted to write something about Scientology. The Church of Scientology has a reputation for clamping down hard on anyone who says anything negative about it.
Let’s see if they bother with my measly little blog. If they are the nasty terror everyone and their brother says they are, I’ll be flooded with Pro-Scientology comments and/or litigious threats (or worse).

Or maybe I'm wrong and they won't react to this measly little one-horse blog at all.

We’ll see. Let the adventure begin.

For unto us this day an elder god of eldritch nature is born

Merry Christmas, everyone!

From Cold War to Today

This holiday season, as we fret about Iran having nukes (and other things, too) we should relax and remember the simpler times of the Cold War.

Right, Al?

Happy Winter Solstice, Everyone!

Before the Abrahamic Faiths (Judaism, Christianity, Islam, etc.), there was the far more ancient celebration of the astronomical event, the Winter Solstice.

Make some hot cocoa and snuggle up with your loved ones tonight... this, my friends, is the Original Christmas!

Peace to all, and to all a good night.

The 12 days of Agnostimas

Courtesy of the Apathetic Agnostic Church. (Thanks to jenamazon for pointing this out.)

The 12 Days of Agnostimas - 21 December to 1 January to celebrate a traditional seasonal festival.

1. 21 December: Solstice - the traditional mid-winter observance (mid-summer in the Southern hemisphere
   
2. 22 December: Apathetic Agnostic Resurrection - commemorates the return of the Apathetic Agnostic web sites to the internet in mid-December 2002 after a three week hiatus due to technical problems. (Meditation 81) This day following Solstice is appropriate because (at least in the Northern Hemisphere where we are based) the days are now getting longer.
   
3. 23 December: Festivus - for the rest of us . Invented in 1966 by Dan O'Keefe, whose son Daniel, a writer on Seinfeld, introduced a family tradition to the wider world, and now everyone can participate in an airing of the grievances and in feats of strength
   
4. 24 December: Agnostimas Eve
   
5. 25 December: Agnostimas - a good day to exchange gifts with friends and relatives in a spirit of generousness, with no need to care about any religious overtones. But we won't object if any traditionalists prefer to devote the day to its original purpose - the worship of Mithras.
   
6. 26 December: Boxing Day - the true origin of the name "Boxing Day" can only be answered with absolute certainty with an "I don't know!" And that is reason enough for agnostics to celebrate it. (If you happen to accept the unproven stories that the rich folks used to give the poor folks gift boxes on this day, then be happy about it, and make sure you give out a few gift boxes to the poor.)
   
7. 27 December: Heidentag - (German for Heathen's Day) Proposed as a warm and festive occasion for getting together, gift-giving, eating comfort food (usually a lot), listening to our favorite music
   
8. 28 December: Childermas - in view of the lack of any evidence to support the horror story of Matthew 2:16, a day to commemorate the inventions and falsehoods on which religion is based. (See Meditation 175)
   
9. 29 December: Apathy Day - sated with the celebrations, feasting, and gift exchanges of the festive season, we take a day to relax, recover, and generally not care about anything. For tomorrow, we start partying again.
   
10. 30 December: Friendship Day - to honor your friends and show the superiority of having friends instead of enemies. Created in reference to the pontifical decree Sancta Romania in 1317, in which Pope John XXII ordered the Franciscan Spiritualists to obey their superiors against their beliefs, which prompted the Spiritualists to become bitter enemies of the French pontiff by aligning with his enemy Louis IV.
    
11. 31 December - Foundation Day - to honor the 1995 foundation of the Church of the Apathetic Agnostic and / or the 1965 development of the term Apathetic Agnostic, together with "I don't know and I don't care" as a personal statement of (lack of) belief.
    
12. 1 January - Founder's Birthday

The original is found in their calendar of events.

Time to get into the holiday spirit!

Tidings of despair, everyone!

(I love you, Hello Cthulhu!)

Further Chistmas suggestions

From 2005, but still worthwhile.

Mangroomer: the movie!

Some outfit named neo-fight.tv made a demo video for the Mangroomer almost a year ago (wow! This technology has been around for a year and I'm just now learning about it? I may have to hand in my technophile credentials!).

Bon appetite! And this will hopefully be my last posting on this topic.

I wonder if there are any electric corn removers out there...

For your man this Holiday Season

Gentlemen: are you wishing the rest of you was like your balding pate?

Ladies: are you tired of your husband or boyfriend being mistaken for the family dog when you spend a weekend at the beach?

Members of the gay community: are you wishing your bear was more of a naked mole rat?

Then friends, you need the Mangroomer!

Yes, Mangroomer! The world's first do-it-yourself, extendable, electric back shaver!

No longer will you have to suffer the tortures of razor burn, nicks, ingrown hairs, or waxing to get rid of that rich carpet covering your dorsal section! No longer will you have to suffer the humiliation of insisting it's the approach of the full moon that has mad you hairy, not your genetic heritage! No longer will you have to spend endless hours pondering when the capitalist system will do something, anything, to bring men closer to the same level of non-body acceptance as women, which is what will truly bring equality between the sexes!

Yes, friends! Mangroomer is here! Just in time for the Christmas shopping season!

And a good thing, too. I'm getting tired of using that Epilady.